I’ve not yet really allowed myself to feel fear or sadness until the past two days. This morning I seem to be making up for lost time.
Hiding in my bedroom, partially to get away from the noises that children make and also to allow myself to wallow in solitude. I really don’t want the kids to see me cry.. but I got caught.
Anneliese, Thing 3, walked into my room with some random request and stopped almost mid-sentence when she saw my tears. She asked me what was wrong and I just told her that I was having a bad day but really could use some love. She’s too young to have a firm grasp on what’s happening but she is scared, I can see it in her eyes. Mom isn’t one to cry. She asked again if I am going to die. ((fuck!!)) I told her that I’m afraid, not that I’ll die, but of how sick I might become before I get better. Big giant hugs and kisses on the nose from my girl, she tells me that she’ll take care of me. ((fuck!!!!)) my little ray of sunshine in this bucket of shit, she makes me smile.